1 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:26,959 Captioning made possible by Acorn Media 2 00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:38,404 All my life, I have made it an absolute rule 3 00:00:38,405 --> 00:00:41,407 never to pass a hitch-hiker at any time of day or night 4 00:00:41,408 --> 00:00:44,176 without giving him or her a lift. 5 00:00:44,177 --> 00:00:47,212 Then, on a pouring-wet evening in September, 6 00:00:47,213 --> 00:00:49,248 just outside Oxford, 7 00:00:49,249 --> 00:00:51,550 I picked up two unhappy-looking young men 8 00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:53,686 who were soaked to the skin. 9 00:00:53,687 --> 00:00:58,190 Both had hair down to their shoulders and bushy beards. 10 00:00:58,191 --> 00:01:00,559 One of them said, as they climbed into the back, 11 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:04,363 "What a relief. Thank you so much." 12 00:01:04,364 --> 00:01:08,801 Suddenly, I felt the point of a knife pressing into my neck. 13 00:01:08,802 --> 00:01:11,403 "Hey," I said. "Steady on." 14 00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:14,173 "Get out," the knifeman said, "and hurry." 15 00:01:14,174 --> 00:01:15,808 I got out. 16 00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:20,212 They drove off and left me standing in the rain. 17 00:01:20,213 --> 00:01:23,882 Since then, I have never given a lift to any man with long hair 18 00:01:23,883 --> 00:01:26,118 or with a bushy beard. 19 00:01:26,119 --> 00:01:30,055 The hitch-hiker in this story has neither. 20 00:01:31,891 --> 00:01:34,727 [Bicycle bell rings] 21 00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:38,731 DAHL: Paul Duveen had lived in Britain for 15 years. 22 00:01:40,533 --> 00:01:43,569 He was a writer... a successful writer. 23 00:01:45,839 --> 00:01:49,575 He liked living in Cambridge, 24 00:01:49,576 --> 00:01:53,846 and he loved driving rare automobiles. 25 00:01:57,851 --> 00:01:59,485 [Car horn honks] 26 00:02:09,929 --> 00:02:13,265 [Woman sings on radio, then easy listening plays] 27 00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:49,668 [No music on radio] 28 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,308 You wouldn't be going to London, by any chance, 29 00:02:56,309 --> 00:02:57,309 would you, sir? 30 00:02:57,310 --> 00:02:58,610 Sure I would. Hop in. 31 00:02:58,611 --> 00:03:01,880 Uh-huh. Thank you, sir. 32 00:03:01,881 --> 00:03:04,450 Very kind. That's OK. 33 00:03:04,451 --> 00:03:05,451 You're a decent man. 34 00:03:05,452 --> 00:03:06,819 All set? 35 00:03:10,557 --> 00:03:12,491 It's a fine-looking motorcar. 36 00:03:12,492 --> 00:03:14,727 Mm-hmm. Huh. 37 00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:16,362 Brand-new, hmm? 38 00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:18,497 Yeah. Pretty much. 39 00:03:18,498 --> 00:03:20,199 I feel like a 10-year-old kid 40 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,668 with a new toy, you know? 41 00:03:22,669 --> 00:03:26,171 Smells like a thoroughbred. 42 00:03:26,172 --> 00:03:28,240 What part of London you headed for? 43 00:03:28,241 --> 00:03:31,477 Well, I'll be going out through London 44 00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:33,579 out the other side. 45 00:03:33,580 --> 00:03:36,749 Epsom. Mm-hmm. 46 00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:39,718 The races, you know. 47 00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:42,521 Derby day, mister. 48 00:03:42,522 --> 00:03:43,789 Oh, the derby! 49 00:03:43,790 --> 00:03:45,657 Oh, I wish I was going with you! 50 00:03:45,658 --> 00:03:47,559 I'd love to put a bet on the horses. 51 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:50,162 Oh, I never go betting on horses. 52 00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:53,165 I wouldn't even want to watch them run, sir. 53 00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:54,667 Huh. Why are you going to the derby? 54 00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:57,036 Uh... 55 00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:59,371 Oh, you work the betting machines, do you? 56 00:03:59,372 --> 00:04:01,473 Betting machines? 57 00:04:01,474 --> 00:04:03,075 Oh, no. That's worse again. 58 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,443 No fun there. 59 00:04:04,444 --> 00:04:07,246 Oh, I guess so. I asked the wrong question. 60 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,982 Oh, you can ask any question you like. 61 00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:13,585 In your own domain-like. 62 00:04:13,586 --> 00:04:16,288 But you don't have to reply, huh? 63 00:04:16,289 --> 00:04:17,322 Hmm. 64 00:04:17,323 --> 00:04:18,924 Hey, wait a minute. 65 00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:20,492 Are you one of those, um, buskers? 66 00:04:20,493 --> 00:04:21,960 You know, entertain the crowds, 67 00:04:21,961 --> 00:04:23,762 soft shoe shuffle, stuff like that, eh? 68 00:04:23,763 --> 00:04:25,831 Can you imagine me running around 69 00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:27,366 with a mouth organ? 70 00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:29,835 Or banging me knees with a spoon? 71 00:04:29,836 --> 00:04:33,872 Ha. Well, frankly, I can. Yeah. 72 00:04:33,873 --> 00:04:35,708 Excuse me, mister. 73 00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:38,310 Uh, would you mind letting me out here? 74 00:04:38,311 --> 00:04:39,311 What? Well, listen, 75 00:04:39,312 --> 00:04:41,413 would you just draw in here, please? 76 00:04:41,414 --> 00:04:43,082 What are you talking about? 77 00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:44,416 What did I say? 78 00:04:44,417 --> 00:04:46,018 Thank you. Thank you. 79 00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:47,619 Now, come on. I'm sorry. 80 00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:49,221 No, no, no. I-- 81 00:04:49,222 --> 00:04:51,824 Look, I couldn't be bothered riding along 82 00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:54,259 with a fellow that thinks so little of me. 83 00:04:54,260 --> 00:04:55,627 Aw, now, come on. Huh? 84 00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:57,529 I don't think little of you. 85 00:04:57,530 --> 00:04:58,530 No. 86 00:04:58,531 --> 00:05:00,432 I said I was sorry. Yeah. 87 00:05:00,433 --> 00:05:02,101 Well-- 88 00:05:02,102 --> 00:05:03,802 Well, look, I really am sorry. Now, listen. 89 00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:06,338 It's none of my business. I won't ask any more questions. 90 00:05:06,339 --> 00:05:07,940 OK? [Car passes] 91 00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:09,475 We--No, really. 92 00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:11,343 I remember when I used to hitch-hike. 93 00:05:11,344 --> 00:05:13,712 You know, I couldn't stand being cross-examined. 94 00:05:13,713 --> 00:05:15,314 "Who are you? What do you do? 95 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,949 Where are you from?" You know. 96 00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:20,486 I won't ask anymore questions. 97 00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:22,654 You see, the trouble is I'm a writer. 98 00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:24,890 And you know how writers pry, right? 99 00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:27,026 It's just, I'm curious about people, OK? 100 00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:29,495 Uh, a nosey parker. 101 00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:31,330 Isn't that what the British call it? 102 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,098 Oh, I wouldn't know. 103 00:05:33,099 --> 00:05:35,234 I'm from Donegal. 104 00:05:35,235 --> 00:05:36,969 See, I'm no expert in the language 105 00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:39,138 of Cromwell. 106 00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,642 OK. Excuse me, just-- 107 00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:52,518 But did you say a writer, are you? 108 00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,219 Well, yeah. I write books. 109 00:05:54,220 --> 00:05:55,287 Oh, aye. 110 00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:57,356 Anyway, I apologize again. I'll-- 111 00:05:57,357 --> 00:06:00,259 Just a minute, now. Ha. [Sighs] 112 00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:02,428 No. Let's-- 113 00:06:02,429 --> 00:06:04,963 I--I accept your apology. 114 00:06:04,964 --> 00:06:06,532 Oh, I'm glad. Hmm. 115 00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:09,968 You say you write books? 116 00:06:09,969 --> 00:06:11,537 Yeah. 117 00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,505 You know, that's a skilled trade. 118 00:06:13,506 --> 00:06:15,341 Oh, thank you. Of course, 119 00:06:15,342 --> 00:06:18,344 mine's a skilled trade, too. 120 00:06:18,345 --> 00:06:20,846 You know, I always say that 121 00:06:20,847 --> 00:06:23,682 the whole secret of life is to get to be 122 00:06:23,683 --> 00:06:26,385 very, very good at something 123 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,954 that's very, very hard to do. 124 00:06:28,955 --> 00:06:30,389 [Chuckles] 125 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:33,726 Yeah. You've accomplished that, have you? 126 00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:37,663 Uh, aye. Well, I'd say I had. Yes. 127 00:06:37,664 --> 00:06:39,531 Like yourself, sir. Uh-huh. 128 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,502 70. Nice, huh? 129 00:07:16,503 --> 00:07:17,536 Yeah. 130 00:07:17,537 --> 00:07:19,972 It must have cost you a tidy bit, 131 00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:21,740 this motorcar, huh? 132 00:07:21,741 --> 00:07:23,809 It wasn't cheap. 133 00:07:23,810 --> 00:07:26,478 Driving a good car-- my one indulgence, I guess. 134 00:07:26,479 --> 00:07:29,048 Cut her--I mean, what would she be 135 00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:30,783 capable of, now? 136 00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,985 I mean, how many revolutions per minute 137 00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:34,887 flat out? This? 138 00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:38,791 129 to make its claim. 129 miles an hour. 139 00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:41,960 Aw, you'd never believe that for a yarn, would you? 140 00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:43,262 Sure she will. 141 00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:44,897 They make a beautiful machine, these people. 142 00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:46,365 Look at that. Heh. 143 00:07:46,366 --> 00:07:50,436 129 miles an h-- Ah, she'd never do that. 144 00:07:50,437 --> 00:07:51,870 No. I know. No, no. 145 00:07:51,871 --> 00:07:53,739 I'll bet you anything you like 146 00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:55,307 she wouldn't. 147 00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,475 Well, I bet she will. 148 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,843 Aw, no. Not at all. 149 00:07:57,844 --> 00:08:00,145 All these car manufacturers. 150 00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:01,613 They're all bloody liars, 151 00:08:01,614 --> 00:08:02,981 every one of them. 152 00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:05,084 And I'm surprised, you know. 153 00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:07,019 A smart fellow like you, 154 00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:08,887 you know, believing all that jazz. 155 00:08:08,888 --> 00:08:10,756 Well, in this instance, I do. 156 00:08:10,757 --> 00:08:12,324 Do you? Yeah. 157 00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:13,992 Yeah, well, prove it. 158 00:08:13,993 --> 00:08:17,096 I dare ya. Do ya? 159 00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:18,597 Aye. 160 00:08:18,598 --> 00:08:21,333 Fasten your seat belt. 161 00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:22,334 Aye. 162 00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:24,670 With pleasure, mister. With pleasure. 163 00:08:24,671 --> 00:08:27,039 Ah, that's beautiful. Beautiful. 164 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,708 You all set? All beautiful. 165 00:08:30,977 --> 00:08:33,145 Oh! Oh! 166 00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,281 Eh. 100. 167 00:08:36,282 --> 00:08:37,850 [Stammers] 168 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,485 She's hit it. 169 00:08:39,486 --> 00:08:43,689 110...115...go. Go on, go on. 170 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,157 Keep going. Keep going. 171 00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:46,759 Plenty more where that came from. 172 00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:55,434 [Honking horn] 173 00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:04,910 [Chuckles] 120... 174 00:09:04,911 --> 00:09:08,047 125. 175 00:09:16,756 --> 00:09:19,358 Oh, 12-- [Speaking Gaelic] 176 00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:21,894 What? 177 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,263 Oh, that's Irish. God bless the world. 178 00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:25,597 Oh, no! Yeah. Yeah. What? 179 00:09:25,598 --> 00:09:28,934 Oh, look. Aw, shit. 180 00:09:28,935 --> 00:09:30,936 Ah, no. No, no, keep going. 181 00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:33,038 Keep going. You can lose him. 182 00:09:33,039 --> 00:09:35,174 Of course you can lose him. 183 00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:37,176 Oh... 184 00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:45,551 Oh, I don't know. 185 00:09:45,552 --> 00:09:47,686 I give up. 186 00:09:47,687 --> 00:09:49,021 You could have-- 187 00:09:51,691 --> 00:09:53,559 DUVEEN: Why did I ever listen to you? 188 00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:54,893 Why? 189 00:09:54,894 --> 00:09:56,995 Well, because you're a good gambler, sir. 190 00:09:56,996 --> 00:09:59,631 That's why. You're a good gambler. 191 00:09:59,632 --> 00:10:03,068 Didn't know a motorcycle cop could do 110. 192 00:10:03,069 --> 00:10:05,537 Oh, he could. Just so. He could, indeed. 193 00:10:05,538 --> 00:10:08,340 You see, his motorbike is 194 00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:10,843 the same make as your motorcar. 195 00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:13,212 Only it fizzles out at 112. 196 00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:15,214 If you'd have kept going, 197 00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:17,116 you'd have been OK. 198 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,051 Look at him. 199 00:10:19,052 --> 00:10:20,519 This is real trouble. 200 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,454 Yeah. Ah, well, sir. 201 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:23,889 It's only your first offense, 202 00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:25,557 isn't that right? 203 00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:29,762 Oh, oh. He's a real mean-looking devil. 204 00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:32,731 Want to watch out. 205 00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:34,667 [Man hums] 206 00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:41,073 Good morning, sir. 207 00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:43,008 Good morning. 208 00:10:43,009 --> 00:10:45,377 Oh, sorry. 209 00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:47,246 What's your hurry? 210 00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:49,648 No hurry, officer. 211 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,684 You mean you don't have a lady in the back 212 00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:53,986 who's having a baby? 213 00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:55,988 No. Obviously not. 214 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,990 But your house is on fire, 215 00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,291 and you're dashing home 216 00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:00,859 to rescue your family, eh? 217 00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:02,695 No. 218 00:11:02,696 --> 00:11:03,996 Then perhaps you're carrying 219 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,398 urgent medical supplies to a hospital, perhaps. 220 00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:08,133 No. 221 00:11:08,134 --> 00:11:10,869 I see. 222 00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:13,439 You hold a current British driving license? 223 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:16,041 Oh, sure I do, officer. Yeah. 224 00:11:16,042 --> 00:11:20,679 It's just that you sound American to me...sir. 225 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:24,016 Well, I am. [Chuckles] 226 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:28,053 Perhaps you can claim diplomatic immunity. 227 00:11:28,054 --> 00:11:31,323 Ha ha ha ha! N-no. Heh. 228 00:11:31,324 --> 00:11:33,525 I wish I could. 229 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:36,762 Then I'm not wasting my time, am I? 230 00:11:36,763 --> 00:11:40,232 You are aware of the speed limit 231 00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:41,900 in this country, of course? 232 00:11:41,901 --> 00:11:42,901 [Thunder] 233 00:11:42,902 --> 00:11:44,703 70. 234 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,638 Of course. 235 00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:48,640 Do you mind telling me what speed 236 00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:50,876 you were doing just now? 237 00:11:53,613 --> 00:11:55,848 W-well, I was a little over that, I know. 238 00:11:55,849 --> 00:11:58,751 That's putting it politely, sir. 239 00:11:58,752 --> 00:12:01,820 I passed you at 112 miles an hour. 240 00:12:01,821 --> 00:12:06,458 [Stammers] 1-1-2. 241 00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:09,395 And that's not a speed I care to drive at, sir. 242 00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:12,564 Except in the course of duty, that is. 243 00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,566 Do you mind getting out your vehicle, sir? 244 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:15,734 What? 245 00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:32,117 I must caution you, sir, that anything you say 246 00:12:32,118 --> 00:12:33,218 may be taken down-- 247 00:12:33,219 --> 00:12:34,586 and used in evidence against me. I know. 248 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:35,521 Yeah. 249 00:12:37,991 --> 00:12:39,792 Could I see your driving license, sir? 250 00:12:39,793 --> 00:12:41,160 Oh, sure, officer. Yeah. 251 00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:44,396 That's funny. 252 00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:45,764 Uh, mister. 253 00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:48,467 Ooh! You left it in the glove department. 254 00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:49,902 Here. Take it, sir. Quick. 255 00:12:49,903 --> 00:12:51,837 Don't know what I'm doing. 256 00:12:51,838 --> 00:12:54,139 Ha. Right, sir. 257 00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:01,246 I do hate these little plastic envelopes. 258 00:13:01,247 --> 00:13:02,448 Yeah. 259 00:13:05,251 --> 00:13:07,453 Well, well, well. Two convictions already. 260 00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,888 And one of them's an SB-60. 261 00:13:09,889 --> 00:13:12,458 You make a habit of exceeding the speed-- 262 00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,360 That was--that was a couple of years ago. 263 00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:15,728 Well, you're gonna lose your license for 12 months. 264 00:13:15,729 --> 00:13:17,062 You know that, don't you? 265 00:13:17,063 --> 00:13:18,664 That's up to the magistrate, isn't it? 266 00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:21,100 Not with two endorsements already; it's automatic. 267 00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:23,002 Not to mention, this third offense took place 268 00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:24,403 on a motorway. 269 00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:27,506 Now, we do take a very firm line about excess speeds 270 00:13:27,507 --> 00:13:28,974 on a motorway. 271 00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:31,910 The last bloke I booked on this same stretch of motorway 272 00:13:31,911 --> 00:13:35,714 got 5.20 pounds for every mile he was over the speed limit. 273 00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:37,216 No kidding. 274 00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:40,185 Now, you were 42 miles over the limit. 275 00:13:40,186 --> 00:13:42,621 You can work that out for yourself. 276 00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:46,558 Well, it's well over �800, huh? 277 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:47,993 Right. 278 00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:52,297 Could I have your full name, sir? 279 00:13:52,298 --> 00:13:56,368 Uh, Duveen. 280 00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:59,371 Paul. 281 00:13:59,372 --> 00:14:00,472 George. 282 00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:06,578 Thank you, sir. 283 00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:12,451 Now you. Who are you? 284 00:14:12,452 --> 00:14:14,086 Well, he's all right. I picked him up. 285 00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:16,355 He's hitch-hiking; he's got nothing to do with this. 286 00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:19,358 I didn't ask you. 287 00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:22,161 Well, what have-- what have I done? 288 00:14:22,162 --> 00:14:23,796 You're a witness, if nothing else. 289 00:14:23,797 --> 00:14:25,764 Out you get. 290 00:14:25,765 --> 00:14:27,366 [Chuckles] 291 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,435 You're a hard man, mister. 292 00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:31,704 You know that? You're a hard man. 293 00:14:34,441 --> 00:14:36,842 Look, I don't see what all the fuss is. 294 00:14:36,843 --> 00:14:38,844 I do my job, sir. Aye. 295 00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:40,679 Why don't you get back in your vehicle, sir. 296 00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:41,680 Recover your breath, as it were. 297 00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:44,083 This won't take a minute. 298 00:14:45,151 --> 00:14:48,020 All right. Let's have your full name. 299 00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:51,156 Michael O'Brien Fish. 300 00:14:51,157 --> 00:14:52,658 Address? 301 00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:55,160 14 Gladstone Road. Royston. 302 00:14:55,161 --> 00:14:56,362 Occupation? 303 00:14:56,363 --> 00:14:59,631 Unemployed. 304 00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:00,899 Herder. 305 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:05,471 Hog courier. 306 00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:07,439 Don't get funny with me. 307 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:08,907 I'm not getting funny with you. 308 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:11,777 That's the truth. I'm on the welfare. 309 00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:13,579 You've only got to ask. 310 00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,414 Oh, I shall. I'm gonna check you out. 311 00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,082 Shall I--Look, I've done nothing. 312 00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:18,484 What have I done? [Stammers] 313 00:15:18,485 --> 00:15:20,986 I just don't like your face, that's all. 314 00:15:20,987 --> 00:15:22,154 You bloomin' person. 315 00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:23,689 We must have a record of it on file somewhere. 316 00:15:23,690 --> 00:15:26,358 Well, I don't like your attitude. No. 317 00:15:26,359 --> 00:15:28,660 It's most-- most insulting. 318 00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:30,863 Now, here am I just getting a lift 319 00:15:30,864 --> 00:15:32,297 from this nice, kind gentleman. 320 00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:33,432 Excuse me, mister. Are you-- 321 00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:34,633 All right. Enough said. 322 00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:36,568 Listen, don't you lay a hand on me. 323 00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:38,203 If you--Look, don't you lay a hand on me. 324 00:15:38,204 --> 00:15:39,204 In you get! 325 00:15:39,205 --> 00:15:41,173 You saw that, didn't you? 326 00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:43,809 No, that constitutes an assault. 327 00:15:43,810 --> 00:15:47,079 So I'm reporting you, boy. 328 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:50,182 I am going to report you. 329 00:15:50,183 --> 00:15:52,384 Aye. Are you? 330 00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:55,688 And this gentleman is my witness. 331 00:15:55,689 --> 00:15:58,524 Wrong. You are my witness 332 00:15:58,525 --> 00:16:00,526 to a very serious offense. 333 00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:01,560 Oh. 334 00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:03,495 I'll see you both in court. 335 00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:05,831 Good morning. 336 00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:10,703 Well, there he goes now. 337 00:16:10,704 --> 00:16:13,739 Mean as a knacker's yard, a regular--shit. 338 00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:15,407 A regular peacock. 339 00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:18,811 DUVEEN: �800 and a suspended license for a year. 340 00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:20,946 Thought this was gonna be a good day. 341 00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:23,549 And you, with two endorsements already. 342 00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:25,484 Oh, that's bad. No, that's bad. 343 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:26,919 My license. 344 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:29,388 Did I really leave it in the glove compartment? 345 00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:30,689 Did I? 346 00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:33,158 Well, I think you must have. 347 00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:34,526 I think you must have. 348 00:16:34,527 --> 00:16:36,095 [Starts engine] 349 00:16:36,096 --> 00:16:40,833 Uh, tell us, what are you thinking of doing now? 350 00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:44,236 I'm thinking of getting off this cop-infested motorway 351 00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:46,438 and finding us a place to dry off. 352 00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:47,439 Oh. 353 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,375 [Sighs] Well... 354 00:16:49,376 --> 00:16:52,311 Better luck next time, old fella. 355 00:16:52,312 --> 00:16:53,512 Yeah. 356 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,314 Why don't you take your wet coat off. 357 00:16:55,315 --> 00:16:56,949 No, no. That's all right. 358 00:16:58,251 --> 00:17:02,621 You know, I told him a bit of a lie. 359 00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:04,523 Darn policeman. 360 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:06,525 'Cause I'm not unemployed. 361 00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,660 I'm going to be very busy this afternoon 362 00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:10,629 and tomorrow, too. 363 00:17:10,630 --> 00:17:11,864 Ah, yeah. That's right. 364 00:17:11,865 --> 00:17:14,333 At the derby. 365 00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:15,734 You writer fellas. 366 00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:19,838 You're such a pack of nosy parkers, you know that? 367 00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:24,276 You know, I know you'll never be satisfied 368 00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:26,845 till I come out with what I do. 369 00:17:26,846 --> 00:17:28,814 Isn't that so? 370 00:17:28,815 --> 00:17:31,250 Not really. It's up to you. 371 00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:33,318 Go on. 372 00:17:33,319 --> 00:17:35,587 You're just itching to know. 373 00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:37,756 Nah. Can tell by the look on your face. 374 00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:39,091 Not--not really. 375 00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:40,492 Look, drink up and let's get out of here. 376 00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:41,493 Come on. We're dry. 377 00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:42,828 [Stammers] 378 00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:44,296 You're in a desperate hurry. 379 00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:45,731 Doesn't pay to hurry, you know. 380 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:46,832 No, it doesn't. 381 00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:48,400 That's why I'm gonna drive very, very slow. 382 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:49,601 Now, come on. Come on. 383 00:17:49,602 --> 00:17:51,737 Hold hard, now. Hold hard. 384 00:17:57,644 --> 00:17:59,745 You're not drunk, are you? 385 00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:01,246 On two whiskies? 386 00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:05,984 Irish. English measures. 387 00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:10,356 [Sighs] 388 00:18:10,357 --> 00:18:12,624 Oh, boy. 389 00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:15,194 Lord only knows what my wife's gonna say. 390 00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:17,229 That was quick. 391 00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:19,164 Ah, you noticed it, did you? 392 00:18:19,165 --> 00:18:21,133 Well, sure I did. That's fascinating. 393 00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:25,637 I never saw anybody roll a cigarette that fast. 394 00:18:25,638 --> 00:18:27,740 Fingers. Uh-huh. 395 00:18:27,741 --> 00:18:29,875 Yeah, uh-huh. I know the joke. 396 00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:32,111 Fish fingers. 397 00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:36,548 Look, you see them fingers there. Huh? 398 00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,617 You wouldn't think it to look at them, 399 00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:40,886 but there the quickest, thickest fingers 400 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,688 you ever seen in your life, boy. 401 00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:44,623 Are you a concert pianist? 402 00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:46,358 My job's 100 times more difficult 403 00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:47,359 than piano playing. 404 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,428 Any fool can learn the piano. 405 00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:51,430 Well, I can tell you, not 1 in 10 million 406 00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:53,165 can learn to do what I do. 407 00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:54,600 I'm telling you, boy. 408 00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:56,969 You've been telling me. I heard you. 409 00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:59,738 Oh, I'm telling you, boy. 410 00:18:59,739 --> 00:19:01,607 I got it. 411 00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:05,911 You're a kind of amateur magician. 412 00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:07,546 [Chuckles] 413 00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,383 You're a card player, aren't you? 414 00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:13,052 You're a card shark, eh? 415 00:19:13,053 --> 00:19:14,620 Now I know you're insulting me. 416 00:19:14,621 --> 00:19:16,588 All right, then I give up. 417 00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:25,464 Ever seen this before? Hmm. 418 00:19:25,465 --> 00:19:27,566 Looks the same as mine. Where'd you get that? 419 00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:29,068 Uh... 420 00:19:29,069 --> 00:19:31,270 Took it off the top of your trousers. 421 00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:35,107 Heh. You took that off me while I was driving? 422 00:19:35,108 --> 00:19:37,643 Uh, why wouldn't I? 423 00:19:37,644 --> 00:19:41,080 You undid the buckle, and you slid it through 424 00:19:41,081 --> 00:19:43,916 all the loops while we were driving? 425 00:19:43,917 --> 00:19:44,917 [Scoffs] 426 00:19:44,918 --> 00:19:47,219 Uh... 427 00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:49,021 Well, seeing's believing. 428 00:19:50,123 --> 00:19:51,223 Hmm. 429 00:19:53,259 --> 00:19:55,361 What about this, then? 430 00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:57,363 What about it? 431 00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:59,164 Is anyone around here missing a shoelace, 432 00:19:59,165 --> 00:20:00,232 I wonder. 433 00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:07,306 Did you mind that time that I missed me step 434 00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:09,575 coming out of the pub-like? 435 00:20:11,311 --> 00:20:14,179 Yeah, I remember. I didn't see anything. 436 00:20:14,180 --> 00:20:15,714 Ah, well, no, I know you didn't. 437 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,783 Well, you weren't-- you weren't meant to. 438 00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:19,485 Just--it's fingers, you know. 439 00:20:19,486 --> 00:20:21,854 Fingers. All from the fingers. 440 00:20:21,855 --> 00:20:25,257 Hmm. What's the time now? What's the time? 441 00:20:25,258 --> 00:20:27,192 The clock's right there in front of you! 442 00:20:27,193 --> 00:20:29,128 Ah, no. I hate them car clocks. 443 00:20:29,129 --> 00:20:30,529 No, I like to get the right time, 444 00:20:30,530 --> 00:20:33,632 you know, off a decent gold watch. 445 00:20:33,633 --> 00:20:34,933 Like this, now. 446 00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:36,502 Isn't that a beauty, huh? 447 00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:38,537 Isn't that a beauty? 448 00:20:38,538 --> 00:20:40,539 Do you know what, you could flog that 449 00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:42,641 anywhere, couldn't you? Fish! 450 00:20:42,642 --> 00:20:43,942 Put the watch down! 451 00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:45,377 Aye. 452 00:20:50,083 --> 00:20:51,183 Hey. 453 00:20:51,184 --> 00:20:52,484 What are you stopping for? 454 00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:54,219 What else have you got of mine? 455 00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:56,088 A joke's a joke. Come on. What else have you got? 456 00:20:56,089 --> 00:20:58,424 Look, I'm only answering your question, mister. 457 00:20:58,425 --> 00:21:00,359 You asked me what I did for a living, 458 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,261 and here I am-- I'm showing you. 459 00:21:02,262 --> 00:21:04,530 What else have you got of mine? 460 00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:07,232 Are you a policeman? 461 00:21:07,233 --> 00:21:08,934 I'm not a policeman, but if you don't show me 462 00:21:08,935 --> 00:21:10,235 what-- 463 00:21:19,646 --> 00:21:21,513 Special delivery. 464 00:21:28,922 --> 00:21:30,823 OK, now get out. 465 00:21:30,824 --> 00:21:33,392 Out? Me? Out? 466 00:21:33,393 --> 00:21:35,894 You. Out. 467 00:21:35,895 --> 00:21:38,130 Out. I don't give rides to pickpockets. 468 00:21:38,131 --> 00:21:40,766 If you want to know, I'm a fingersmith. 469 00:21:40,767 --> 00:21:41,867 A what? 470 00:21:41,868 --> 00:21:43,902 A finger--a professional fingersmith. 471 00:21:43,903 --> 00:21:45,104 You know, like a goldsmith 472 00:21:45,105 --> 00:21:46,105 or a silversmith. 473 00:21:46,106 --> 00:21:47,906 And I can tell you I follow my own 474 00:21:47,907 --> 00:21:50,542 professional code of honor. 475 00:21:50,543 --> 00:21:54,613 I always gives back items of no use to me. 476 00:21:54,614 --> 00:21:56,548 Oh, you mean, you're Robin Hood working 477 00:21:56,549 --> 00:21:57,850 the racetrack? 478 00:21:57,851 --> 00:22:01,020 Look, I--I know what you must be feeling, mister. 479 00:22:01,021 --> 00:22:02,788 'Cause it wasn't a very good morning 480 00:22:02,789 --> 00:22:03,856 for you, was it? 481 00:22:03,857 --> 00:22:05,491 Well, it's still out. Come on. Fingersmith. 482 00:22:05,492 --> 00:22:08,160 I mean, what with me making you go over 483 00:22:08,161 --> 00:22:10,796 the speed limit and the police and all. 484 00:22:10,797 --> 00:22:14,633 And now you're disapproving of my vocation-like. 485 00:22:14,634 --> 00:22:17,236 Exactly. Now, get out! 486 00:22:17,237 --> 00:22:19,471 [Stammers] Out. Out, I said. 487 00:22:19,472 --> 00:22:20,973 That's--oh, dear. Isn't that...? 488 00:22:22,542 --> 00:22:23,709 Very funny. 489 00:22:23,710 --> 00:22:25,811 I couldn't resist it. Out! 490 00:22:28,982 --> 00:22:30,849 That's no fun, there. 491 00:22:32,686 --> 00:22:33,686 You know, you're-- 492 00:22:33,687 --> 00:22:35,621 Would you give me me hat, please? 493 00:22:37,057 --> 00:22:37,990 Here. 494 00:22:39,092 --> 00:22:41,393 You know, you're a hard man, mister. 495 00:22:41,394 --> 00:22:43,696 You're worse than darn policeman. 496 00:22:43,697 --> 00:22:45,064 Yeah, and he's checking on you right now. 497 00:22:45,065 --> 00:22:46,598 Oh, no, no. 498 00:22:46,599 --> 00:22:48,167 Nobody's checking on me, mister. 499 00:22:48,168 --> 00:22:50,069 He's got your name and address, Fish. 500 00:22:50,070 --> 00:22:51,170 Uh... 501 00:22:51,171 --> 00:22:53,405 He wrote it all down in his little black book. 502 00:22:53,406 --> 00:22:54,573 Aye, well, wait till you see, now. 503 00:22:54,574 --> 00:22:56,342 What about this, sir? [Clears throat] 504 00:22:56,343 --> 00:22:59,345 "Michael O'Brien Fish. 14 Gladstone Road. 505 00:22:59,346 --> 00:23:01,647 Royston. Unemployed." Them's my particulars. 506 00:23:01,648 --> 00:23:03,782 Now here's your particulars, you see. 507 00:23:03,783 --> 00:23:07,252 "When cautioned, Mr. Duveen replied..." 508 00:23:09,489 --> 00:23:11,523 You took that from a cop? 509 00:23:11,524 --> 00:23:14,460 Oh, it was easy. It was dead easy. 510 00:23:14,461 --> 00:23:15,694 Good Lord. 511 00:23:17,030 --> 00:23:19,331 But he'll remember our names, registration numbers... 512 00:23:19,332 --> 00:23:20,432 Ah, no, no. 513 00:23:20,433 --> 00:23:23,002 He won't remember it because he wrote it down. 514 00:23:23,003 --> 00:23:24,703 You see, he won't remember because 515 00:23:24,704 --> 00:23:26,572 he didn't think he'd have to. 516 00:23:26,573 --> 00:23:28,140 Now do you see? 517 00:23:28,141 --> 00:23:29,475 I--I don't know. 518 00:23:29,476 --> 00:23:31,410 Ah, well, I do. 519 00:23:31,411 --> 00:23:33,178 'Cause I've been booked before, you see, 520 00:23:33,179 --> 00:23:34,980 and I always took the wee book. 521 00:23:34,981 --> 00:23:36,949 Never heard a word after. 522 00:23:38,485 --> 00:23:40,452 Well, I'll tell you what now, I think 523 00:23:40,453 --> 00:23:42,321 the two of us should get out here, 524 00:23:42,322 --> 00:23:44,356 and we build a wee bonfire and burn 525 00:23:44,357 --> 00:23:46,058 all them things. 526 00:23:46,059 --> 00:23:48,060 And then after-like, if you insist, 527 00:23:48,061 --> 00:23:49,828 I'll walk, you know. 528 00:23:49,829 --> 00:23:51,663 Oh, no, no. No, no no. 529 00:23:51,664 --> 00:23:53,599 If you want, I'll walk. I don't mind. 530 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:56,635 Really. Ha ha. No. R-right. Right. 531 00:23:56,636 --> 00:23:58,270 Bonfire. 532 00:23:59,773 --> 00:24:00,839 [Duveen laughs] 533 00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:02,908 Brilliant, Fish. Brilliant. 534 00:24:02,909 --> 00:24:07,246 Yeah. How, you know, it's nice to be appreciated. 535 00:24:08,314 --> 00:24:10,582 Well, that's... All right. Ha ha. 536 00:24:10,583 --> 00:24:12,117 Hey, Fish. Yeah. 537 00:24:12,118 --> 00:24:13,819 Wh-what if it doesn't burn? 538 00:24:13,820 --> 00:24:15,688 I mean, it's starting to rain again. 539 00:24:15,689 --> 00:24:18,090 Yes, but if you could get just a few dry twigs. 540 00:24:18,091 --> 00:24:19,091 Dry twigs. Dry... 541 00:24:19,092 --> 00:24:20,626 [Bicycle bell rings] 542 00:24:20,627 --> 00:24:22,061 Dry twigs. 543 00:24:31,838 --> 00:24:33,138 [Chuckles] 544 00:24:47,420 --> 00:24:50,122 That... 545 00:24:50,123 --> 00:24:51,223 [Cries] 546 00:24:54,728 --> 00:24:56,628 He couldn't resist it. 547 00:24:56,629 --> 00:24:58,297 [Crying] 548 00:25:06,306 --> 00:25:09,308 Captioning made possible by Acorn Media 549 00:25:09,309 --> 00:25:11,310 Captioned by the National Captioning Institute 550 00:25:11,311 --> 00:25:13,312 --www.ncicap.org--